Biden & Harris.
Where are you?
Would you be a Father now?
Rotting in the ground.
Seems like yesterday.
Up there, far away.
You left, forever.
This world gone mad.
What would you do?
It’s never been the same.
Your stupid laugh. Stealing the condiment tray from Arbys. The constant stream of girls. Bukowski. All the random shit you’d do.
I’d give the rest of my life to have you back.
Miss you Danny boy.
Ralph is snoring. It’s adorable.
Miss you buddy. We all do.
Can't imagine what life would be like with you still here. You'd be an old man like me!
You'd see your daughter grown up, maybe have a career with bikes like you had started up there in beer-land.
Who fucking knows.....maybe YOU would be President of this ever strange place.
I'm sitting on the toilet writing this. Thinking back to the days when you'd hide your shitter paper because you said I used too much.
It's never been the same...... I guess I need to understand that it probably never will.
Keep the summer alive.
DS, Mr. Saturday Night.
Blood dripping from my hands, the blade buried in its neck; it let me live again.
It let me live again.
Standing, looking to the morning sky, aglow in an orange crimson -matching my blood soaked visage.
The last essence of its being passed off into the forever as I watched. The one remaining eye winking out, a dead light surrounded by a useless husk. He saw me, still, as death embraced him.
Shuddering, the fury of battle over, I sank to my knees and wept.
Hot tears of anguish, pain, relief, desperate and powerful, pouring from my eyes. Tears of joy, of thankfulness, of disbelief.
Moments passed. Breezes rustled the tall grass around me. The sun rose higher. And still I knealt. Still I wept.
Letting the last bit of this reality come out of me. My salt falling on its carcass. Each drip staining his hide from deep brown to black. Marking him as the wounds never would.
Birdsong in the distance. A rousing note to pull me from my reverie.
To bring me home again.
Turning away from the dead beast I cast aside my dented blade; no use is it now, for this is done. Walking through the heavy grasses. They grab and pull and cling to me, as though they champion my reward.
Across this long field, I see the trees again. And beyond those I know there will be the path.
Wow. What just happened?
I was beyond exhausted, ready for bed. And now my mind is racing. My heart hurts.
Why is life so fucking strange?
The fragility of life is lost so easily in our everyday doings.
How finite this flesh is. How mortal we are.
I'm angry at my God.
I want to scream in his face.
Instead, I'll just sit here quietly on the couch and weep my selfish tears and type out this pathetic post.......
Thoughts are racing through my mind, as fast as they come, they go. Emotions roil in my heart. I am a cauldron of confliction. The tumult of duality raging inside me.
Love for this life, for the beauty of each breath on this earth.
Hate for the suffering, needless mortal pain.
Ralph sits in his window, gazing out into the world he can never have, watching.
I'm going to move this silly rant over to my LJ before I really pick up steam and have a small book written here.
Today was a tough day for us. Even tougher for some. I feel so powerless, so useless, so fucking ineffectual.
My Mom asked me earlier if she was crying for herself or for her sister. I answered, both.
The next few months are going to be bittersweet. I cry now for my Mom, my Aunt, my Grandmother, so many more....... My stupid foolish tears.
Strength to them.
Why does the shit always hit the fan come Christmas?
Sometimes I hate that I can feel so much.
My Aunt Ruth is stage 4. Given 6 months to 1 year of life left.
I was going to write out so much more............ But now I just feel drained and empty.
7 days down. One week in da ground.
If any of you would have walked up to me 7 days ago and told me that I was going to give up alcohol forever in the next 24 hours........... I would have laughed my ass off and asked what the damn punchline was.
Here I am. One week in the record books. And what better way to celebrate that week than by having a long delayed lunch with a very best friend, Katie Flanagan Gehring.
Laughter. Reminiscence. Pride. Sadness for those gone from us. Glee and joy and love. Amazement at the new life about to come into our world. A sense of ease and peace.
And it felt like only yesterday we were together.
These are the things I had been missing. The pieces are all coming back together. Full circle. My world is mine again. MINE.
So many of you have amazed and humbled me with your support, caring words, little nudges, kudos on my progress, just letting me know you are there. Thank you.
True friends, true family, true love.
To those who know the personal inspiration that I have gleaned from their experiences, words, and actions; thank you for your strength. To AA, thank you for giving me the tools and support that I will use to fight for the rest of my life to be a better man.
To my Mom, thank you for loving me and supporting me through my crazy life. You are my first inspiration. You set the standard for the man I will someday become.
To God, thank you for letting me live just another day. Thank you for loving me.
My path continues.
I'm about to do the hardest thing yet in my life.
Quit the bottle.
My name is Martin Sullivan, and I am, without a shadow of a doubt, an alcoholic.
It is time to stop lying to myself. It is time to stop destroying myself. It is time to stop hurting others. It is time to heal, become the man I should, and begin my life.
I came to a tiny epiphany Thursday night, when obliterated, I couldn't even form complete, coherent sentences whilst talking to others. The door finally opened enough to show me the man I have become. A man ruled by egregious libation. A fool. A selfish idiot hellbent on slow suicide.
More of my years on this earth have been paired with alcohol than not. That in itself is a depressingly astounding discovery.
My entire adult existance has revolved around booze. Amazing.
I don't want, at 50, to be reflecting on my life, and see that I gave it all to the bottle.
That evil relationship ends. Now.
So. I could write much more, but I need to shower and get to Kelly's on time, for tonight is my first ever AA meeting. Today is day 1.
I ask for understanding and strength.
I'm gonna fucking need it.