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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in p/b (Martin)'s LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]
Wednesday, December 5th, 2012
11:58 pm
A phone call........
.

Wow. What just happened?

I was beyond exhausted, ready for bed. And now my mind is racing. My heart hurts.


Why is life so fucking strange?

Current Mood: confused
Saturday, December 1st, 2012
12:51 am
Why?
.

The fragility of life is lost so easily in our everyday doings.
How finite this flesh is. How mortal we are.

I'm angry at my God.
I want to scream in his face.
Instead, I'll just sit here quietly on the couch and weep my selfish tears and type out this pathetic post.......

Thoughts are racing through my mind, as fast as they come, they go. Emotions roil in my heart. I am a cauldron of confliction. The tumult of duality raging inside me.
Love for this life, for the beauty of each breath on this earth.
Hate for the suffering, needless mortal pain.

Ralph sits in his window, gazing out into the world he can never have, watching.

I'm going to move this silly rant over to my LJ before I really pick up steam and have a small book written here.

Today was a tough day for us. Even tougher for some. I feel so powerless, so useless, so fucking ineffectual.
My Mom asked me earlier if she was crying for herself or for her sister. I answered, both.

The next few months are going to be bittersweet. I cry now for my Mom, my Aunt, my Grandmother, so many more....... My stupid foolish tears.

Strength to them.

Why does the shit always hit the fan come Christmas?





Sometimes I hate that I can feel so much.


My Aunt Ruth is stage 4. Given 6 months to 1 year of life left.



I was going to write out so much more............ But now I just feel drained and empty.

Current Mood: angry
Friday, October 12th, 2012
10:07 pm
Seven days sober
7 days down. One week in da ground.


If any of you would have walked up to me 7 days ago and told me that I was going to give up alcohol forever in the next 24 hours........... I would have laughed my ass off and asked what the damn punchline was.



Here I am. One week in the record books. And what better way to celebrate that week than by having a long delayed lunch with a very best friend, Katie Flanagan Gehring.
Laughter. Reminiscence. Pride. Sadness for those gone from us. Glee and joy and love. Amazement at the new life about to come into our world. A sense of ease and peace.
And it felt like only yesterday we were together.

These are the things I had been missing. The pieces are all coming back together. Full circle. My world is mine again. MINE.


So many of you have amazed and humbled me with your support, caring words, little nudges, kudos on my progress, just letting me know you are there. Thank you.

True friends, true family, true love.



To those who know the personal inspiration that I have gleaned from their experiences, words, and actions; thank you for your strength. To AA, thank you for giving me the tools and support that I will use to fight for the rest of my life to be a better man.

To my Mom, thank you for loving me and supporting me through my crazy life. You are my first inspiration. You set the standard for the man I will someday become.

To God, thank you for letting me live just another day. Thank you for loving me.


My path continues.
Saturday, October 6th, 2012
6:16 pm
Sobriety
I'm about to do the hardest thing yet in my life.

Quit the bottle.

My name is Martin Sullivan, and I am, without a shadow of a doubt, an alcoholic.


It is time to stop lying to myself. It is time to stop destroying myself. It is time to stop hurting others. It is time to heal, become the man I should, and begin my life.

I came to a tiny epiphany Thursday night, when obliterated, I couldn't even form complete, coherent sentences whilst talking to others. The door finally opened enough to show me the man I have become. A man ruled by egregious libation. A fool. A selfish idiot hellbent on slow suicide.

More of my years on this earth have been paired with alcohol than not. That in itself is a depressingly astounding discovery.
My entire adult existance has revolved around booze. Amazing.
I don't want, at 50, to be reflecting on my life, and see that I gave it all to the bottle.

No.

That evil relationship ends. Now.



So. I could write much more, but I need to shower and get to Kelly's on time, for tonight is my first ever AA meeting. Today is day 1.


I ask for understanding and strength.

I'm gonna fucking need it.

Current Mood: scared
Tuesday, September 25th, 2012
6:55 am
Am I ok?
Someone who was once very close to me asked me the other night if I was ok.


Am I?





Pound down,
Silly man.

Look around,
And tell me...


What is the plan?

Shadows dance in the lamplights
A cool breeze tickles my ears
And I sway in this inky night
Looking through all those shadows
Searching
For my desperate fears

Go away and leave me be


Pound down,
Silly man.

Look around,
And tell me...

The cold concrete, grey and forlorn
Reminds me of distant times
When I wasn't so torn.....


Pound down,
Silly man.

Look around,
And tell me...



Pound down,
Silly man.

Look around,
And tell me...



Am I ok?



But maybe, I should ask...........


Are YOU?

Current Mood: anxious
Saturday, September 8th, 2012
3:28 am
Such fuzzy rain......
.

Let's talk psychotropics...............


And wine. (WTF??? Wine???? Yup.) LITERS of it.


And a bit of of the EBM.......

Current Mood: giggly
Wednesday, September 5th, 2012
4:37 am
Pride. Not in oneself, but in Nation. In our way of life....
.

In that darkest corner

When you are alone


Alone

And only the maddening silence surrounds you



Think, dream, desire

For the land you live in
It is lost


Look outside of yourself
See the Nation
A fellow citizen
Friends, family, strangers

In your darkest corner
They are too
Lost
Like you
And Nation



Oh, our Fathers
How they would lament
This wretched state
That we are in


We have foresaken our unity
Division, hate, fear, stupidity
Guide us now
Our pillars do sway

Under this tumult




Wake up
Before we are written
To the pages of history
As yet another failed society



Only you
And you
And you
And me

Can save this Nation
This beautiful country


From a certain suicidal destiny



Please



Please, remember...... We are a Society..... We are the United States.....


Without you though, we are going to die


Rome

Current Mood: angry
Thursday, August 23rd, 2012
7:40 am
A reminder
.

Walked outside a few minutes ago and something drew me to the alley off of my street.
Went a few paces looking about me, only to glance down and see the most lovely purple flower growing right there between the bricks.

A reminder.





I feel you

I feel you, in every stone
In every leaf of every tree
That you ever might have grown

I feel you, in every thing
In every river that might flow
In every seed you might have sown

I feel you
I feel you
I feel you
I feel you
I feel you

I feel you, in every vein
In every beatin' of my heart
Each breath I take

I feel you, anyway
In every tear that I might shed
In every word I've never said

I feel you
I feel you
I feel you
I feel you

I feel you, in every vein
In every beatin' of my heart
In every breath I'll ever take

I feel you, anyway
In every tear that I might shed
In every word I've never said

I feel you
I feel you
I feel you
I feel you
I feel you

I feel you



Posted via m.livejournal.com.



Current Mood: calm
4:23 am
Is Nothing
.

I live in another's house
I walk through some other dream
Is this my waking nightmare
Or death's subconscious stream

Cool breezes blow curtains
Across the window pane


I look out for you
Across the oceans of time
Ghastly and so blue


Cool breezes blow curtains
Across the window pane


I breathe foreign air
I wear some stranger's clothes
This meaning of dispair
The embers brightly glow

Tear away, pull to fray, within this uncanny unreality
Dare to say, what means it may, inside your deepest fears


Cool breezes blow curtains
Across the window pane


I look out for you
Across the oceans of time
Ghastly and so blue



And all I see, what is before me
Is nothing that is you


Is nothing

Is nothing



That is you


It is everything, but forever you.........

Current Mood: calm
Wednesday, August 22nd, 2012
6:10 am
Maybe I miss being 15 sometimes.....
.

Well... you didn't wake up this morning
Because you didn't go to bed.
You were watching the whites of your eyes turn red.
The calendar on your wall is ticking the days off.
You've been reading some old letters --
You smile and think how much you've changed.
All the money in the world
Couldn't buy back those days.
You pull back the curtains, and the sun burns into your eyes,
You watch a plane flying across a clear blue sky.
THIS IS THE DAY -- Your life will surely change.
THIS IS THE DAY -- When things fall into place.
You could've done anything if you'd wanted
And all your friends and family think that you're lucky.
But the side of you they'll never see
Is when you're left alone with the memories
That hold your life together like glue

You pull back the curtains, and the sun burns into your eyes,
You watch a plane flying across a clear blue sky.
THIS IS THE DAY -- Your life will surely change.
THIS IS THE DAY -- When things fall into place.

This is the day (this is the day) your life will surely change.


Current Mood: discontent
4:48 am
Drunk as fuck. Again. (Flowers by the door)
.

Cleaned the kitten's shit box. Vacuumed the house. Took all da trash out. Drunk and fucked up on my favorite ganja substitute (benadryl).


Lonely. Alone. Devastated.


Maybe I'll have the Vet cut my balls off too when I take poor lil Ralph to lose his........


What am I to do? Honestly? (The answer is already there, I know that, Karma.)



Crying again. Lost. So fucking lost.



All my life has been a dream
An endless nightmare so it seems
Tonight's the night, yes this is the end
You've heard it before, this is what I said

I think about gone yesterdays
All the things that people would say
Tonight's the night, I'm gonna find the truth
Tonight's the night. goodbye to you


Because I can't take it anymore
No, I can't make it anymore
Don't say nothing cause baby there ain't no more
Just leave your flowers by the door

You can't see me now, cause I'm in the day
It's all over, no one left to pay
I'm finally happy with no yesterday
I'm still alive, but I'm in the grave.


Current Mood: scared
2:59 am
More lyrical summary.
.

Come Undone
Mine, immaculate dream made breath and skin
I've been waiting for you
Signed, with a home tattoo,
Happy birthday to you was created for you

Can't ever keep from falling apart
At the seams
Can't I believe you're taking my heart
To pieces

Oh, it'll take a little time,
Might take a little crime
To come undone now


We'll try to stay blind
To the hope and fear outside
Hey child, stay wilder than the wind
And blow me in to cry


Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone

Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone


Words, playing me deja vu
Like a radio tune I swear I've heard before
Chill, is it something real
Or the magic I'm feeding off your fingers

Can't ever keep from falling apart
At the seams
Can I believe you're taking my heart
To pieces

Lost, in a snow filled sky, we'll make it alright
To come undone now

We'll try to stay blind
To the hope and fear outside
Hey child, stay wilder than the wind
And blow me in to cry


Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone

Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone

Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone...


Current Mood: depressed
Sunday, August 19th, 2012
6:15 am
Fuck......
.

Neuroticfish-


I can see the wall
I can see you running
I can feel the impact
It's sad but true

Maybe you will see
The trees but not the forest
The cover of a book
But no page at all

You try to climb a mountain
I'm standing on your grave
You will try to reach me
Will I still be saved?

You try to keep your secrets
But I see you through
You always try to blame me
But you're the fool

Maybe you will think
I like to play these games
But I can not imagine
A harder job to do

You are one of those
Always blame the others
Facing circumstances
You never understand

Current Mood: melancholy
Friday, August 17th, 2012
5:22 am
Kiss me again.... Look away because I despise you.....
my mistake......

thought that the kiss would bridge the gap between my knowledge and your fucking stupidity



guess not.....



might hold such to a higher regard it seems..............................

Current Mood: disappointed
Wednesday, August 1st, 2012
5:12 am
hold true?


a code

let it open

slide

let it open...............

you


threes and twos


wonder why.......


i fucking ever met you





slide





to embrace




cool, color, trace, and across..... this space


in a corner I stay



slide


devide as it may be now


and it is true


i'll miss you



push deep, with nothing
answer, but empty
want anything
to give us meaning
define the void
that was always there
with that heartbeat
so weak

i want to wash myself of you

i can't stand it anymore



petals fall

angels call
out

and echoes die







die


blood dries
upon my eyes
those tears
to wash my pain away




to wash

my fucking pain away





blood




hold true


a code

let it open

slide

let it open...............

you


threes and twos


wonder why.......







wonder?

Current Mood: weird
Friday, July 27th, 2012
6:12 am
Petals
.


What can I say?

You called me tonight..... And I called you back.....


I'm crying. Hours, so many hours, later.......


To hear your voice after all this time. To know that there might be even the slightest of chances...........................................


I never thought I'd ever hear from you again. This is the sweetest pain. Nails of doubt, want, and wishes. Twisting into my heart.



We don't have to be driven, like the snow.....

Current Mood: depressed
Friday, July 20th, 2012
6:09 am
Cold push, fill vein, root and green.......
Pull to me......

Like our dichotomy........

Silver, and onyx


Sing to me......


Oh God, please............... Like a touch.......



A tinge.

A syringe.

A dance.

A lost chance.......


I miss your smile
I miss your eyes
Spin, oh God damn it, spin
Inside my heart

Inside my heart

Inside

My fucking heart

Pushing through veins
Staunching all my pain
Oh my fucking God
It's you





That one time.


All of the time.




It's fucking you.

Current Mood: sore
Wednesday, May 23rd, 2012
7:05 pm
Goodbye Henry, I'll miss your purrs.....
Funny how fleeting some things are.

And how a series of blatantly dumbass, foolish, selfish decisions can only lead to one tragic outcome.




I'm sorry my tiny friend. I pray to God that you forgive me for waiting too long.
I thought you'd be ok.


I cry my pathetic tears, hot with shame and loss.



Funny how stupid I still am.









May God take your precious little soul. And keep you. And give you back to this Earth someday.



Uploaded from the Photobucket iPhone App

Current Mood: guilty
Sunday, October 16th, 2011
11:18 pm
Part one.
.


I just drank a beer in the shower.

Current Mood: silly
Friday, September 30th, 2011
1:13 am
Riddle me this....
.


Sitting on the toilet reloading magazines.

A round pops out, bounces off my dick, and falls into the bowl........



Do I call a plumber? Or a gunsmith?


LMAO.

Current Mood: surprised
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