Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in p/b (Martin)'s LiveJournal:

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Monday, January 1st, 2007
5:15 am	A New Year. . This truly is the final entry in this journal. I have decided that this is a chapter in my life that needs to close. So much is different now. So much is going to continue to change in the next few months. What I thought was to be my future has been taken away from me. I am now faced with a unique circumstance. I am completely unburdened by anyone in my life. I can move forward in any direction that I choose. A beginning to this forward movement, a restart to the walking of my path, is first a bit of introspection, then some cleansing. Hopefully followed by a newfound sense of self and a steadfast determination to live my life to its fullest. I close this journal as a part of me best left behind. As memories both good and bad that are now my past. 2006 was both the best, and the absolute worst year of my life. The year opened with the death of my father on New Years Day. A total of five funerals through the year. A lot of change. A marriage, then 33 days later a separation. Now in the midst of a divorce. A lot of loss. So many more details.........so much more anguish. So much more beauty. So much good......and bad. But now it's time to move on. I'm going to start a new journal later tonight, and invite most of you to be with me again. My friends, both near and far. Some close, some so distant.... Some of you I haven't kept as well in touch with as I have wanted (Rande) but I am always reading of your lives. Thank you to those that are my friends. As we dawn on 2007, please keep peace, love, honesty to self and others, truth, forgiveness, hope, and growth alive in our hearts. Know humility, know struggle, know not pride, know not envy, know not vanity. Know your heart. Know your path. Walk it. Tribute to those gone, and honor to those here with us. Friends, family, lovers. And to my father, gone a year today....... I miss you. I'm sorry. I love you, and I tried so hard. I pray that you might understand. Good riddance 2006. I will find my path again. White light Tunnel Slowmotion Ascension Everything around was in brightness Scenes of life went through my mind A feeling of floating out of my body Embraced by a beautiful light I found myself in a profound stillness Beyond God's infinity Now I could perceive my "forever" A new reality revealed to me I never wanted anything As much as to go into that light I never wanted anything As much as to continue the ride I've never felt such a vibration A peaceful feeling came over me I was in the eye of the creation Close to light, my N.D.E. Current Mood: thankful Current Music: SITD- Ascension (14 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 24th, 2006
3:14 am	I lied again....this will be the second to last post of this journal. . A burden. A trial. To try. To accept. To help. To give. To understand. To share. To heal. Cruelty? I'm a man. I try. That's my life. I make mistakes. I fail. I succeed. I fall. I get back up again. I have problems. I have weaknesses. I have solutions. I have strengths. I am as much as I can be. I struggle to be better. I try to accept. I try to grow. I can only walk so fast. I have never lied about these things. I have never been anything other than my true self. I have regrets. My year has been hard. Is that an excuse? No. Is it reality? Yes. Will I be ok? Yes. Could I have been better? Yes. Could you have? Understanding is a two way street. Compassion is as well. Cruelty? Can you really say that you know not cruelty? You lie to yourself, and to others. Grow. Am I sorry for our loss? No. Do I miss you? No. Do I miss what could have been? Yes. Do I look past you? No. Will you ever understand? No. Do I mourn the walls of your heart? Yes. Please forgive. Not me. But yourself. Find the strength, not in your lies to yourself, but in what you could someday become. I saw the hope in that. But it might forever be lost. As I know the things that those closest to you do not even know. And will I be condemned? Yes. Will there be accusations? Yes. But truth in the heart of hearts always knows. Karma knows. You stated that you wished for a home for the two of you. Well, you left one. A good one. Grow. Don't ever give up the fight. Be a good mother. Merry Christmas to you and yours. May peace finally visit you. And give you the hope you so desperately need. May you be blessed with what you seek. For it is just a turn away. As the new year dawns.... ...life shifts up and down, everybody knows it's wrong. Current Mood: calm Current Music: Skinny Puppy- Smothered Hope (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 13th, 2006
11:27 pm	Ok, I lied....this is the end to this journal. . goodbye. Current Mood: okay
Friday, December 1st, 2006
2:50 am	And an end came. To this end. To a better day. . This is my last L.J entry. Much has happened in the last few weeks. I deem this odd chapter of my life over. My path will continue.........though it is now foresaken. And I am damned. Forgive me if you will. My Christforesaken path. How I hate it. I am Sisyphus. Current Mood: forked Current Music: She Wants Revenge- Red Flags and Long Nights
2:21 am	Solitary. . Set me aflame and cast me free Away you wretched world of tethers Through the endless night and day I have never wanted more. Always thought that I would stand Before the faceless name of Justice Like some law unto myself Like a child of God again. And if rain brings winds of change Let it rain on us forever I have no doubts from what I've seen I have never wanted more. With this line I'll mark the past As a symbol of beginning I have no doubt from what I've seen I have never wanted more. In this picture stands a man Far away, alone and distant Like a solitary field In some nameless foreign land. All around him points of light Start to dim and cease transmitting Shadows fell on futile games And then there was nothing more. Through the screams of falling steel By the light of flares and wisdom All the doubts I could not face All this time I wanted more. With a line I mark the past As a symbol of beginning To the gods whose names we've lost And the names who gave in vain. And if rain brings winds of change Let it rain on us forever I have no doubts from what I've seen I have never wanted more. With this line I'll mark the past As a symbol of beginning I have no doubt from what I've seen I have never wanted more. Set me aflame and cast me free Away you wretched world of tethers Through the endless night and day I have never wanted more. Always thought that I would stand Before the faceless name of Justice Like some law unto myself Like a child of God again. And if rain brings winds of change Let it rain on us forever I have no doubts from what I've seen I have never wanted more. With this line I'll mark the past As a symbol of beginning I have no doubt from what I've seen I have never wanted more. Sever the line to the guilty past To the ones who brought us nothing Spoke of futures brave and proud And brought only hate and war. Lined the roads with hollow praise Marked the land with paper statues Shadows fell on their futile ways And then there was nothing more. -VNV Nation
2:02 am	I am sorry. . A whisper, Awakens me. Silence, she says. Memory eludes me. Of a moment, that he whispers, to hush now. It will all be alright. But I hear her crying in the hallway. I try to explain. I need her to understand. I have never fought this before. I know. That there are demons. How, oh how....can I ever vanquish them so soon? When I don't even know that they are there? So, a trust is given, a hand to hold. And I beg understanding. Take me away. Away from the pain of my past. The screams, the yelling, the pain. But no. What do I do? I am my father's son. And God might damn me. If I hadn't already done it myself. Current Mood: drained Current Music: Siouxie & the Banshees- Cry
Saturday, November 25th, 2006
2:04 am	push. . metal cold against flesh. pushing so hard. the circle tattoos my neck and I chamber that round clack the slide works. pressure ever so slowly so many thoughts racing........ through my mind. my life over in an instant. click and, shivering, trembling....... I set it down. tears streaming down my cheeks. shaking. I realize. that it didn't fire and. pop the round. indent. so then I think of the things that might be, the things that could be, the things that never will........ and I dream of the things that I want, the things that I need, the things that I will never have, whom that I have foresaken... drop the clip. rack the slide. empty. in goes the round. and under the chin. pressure. click. the silent night surrounds me. I pop the round. indent. and silent echoes haunt me. and silent laughter haunts me. and silent questions haunt me. til I chamber that next round. my godforesaken fucking path. Current Mood: sad Current Music: Android Lust- Unbeliever (20 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, October 20th, 2006
6:05 pm	Serenity, tranqulity, bliss....and LOST!!! . Yesterday was amazing. Mina planned our itenerary while I dealt with Hertz about the fender bender we were in the day before (no big deal, Jeep not even dinged). And let me tell you, she did a fantastic job. Our day started with a scenic drive northeast through beauty unimaginable. I had to fight to concentrate on the road. Our destination, Valley of the Temples, which nestled within is the Byodo-In temple. Absolutely beautiful. Such peace. Such calm. I wept. Then we drove down to a lovely hidden garden. And lastly, to eat dinner, we stopped at a "normal" town, Kailua, to eat at a local hangout. Boardriders Bar and Grill. The place was cool. Reminded me of places in Florida. So we ate, had a few drinks, and played darts before heading back to the hotel. Oh, I almost forgot....... I'm looking at the dartboards as Mina is in the loo.....walking towards the door to go outside to smoke......passing the pool tables.....I look up. And there is CHARLIE, from Lost!!!!! WOW!!!! I fanboyed out.....stammered something about loving the show after picking my jaw up off of the floor, shook his hand, and went outside to smoke and freak out some more. Mina comes out and I just go on and on and on about it...... So.....about a half our later I notice him talking to a short darker haired girl....... It's KATE!!!!! WOW!!!! They played some more pool and goofed off...She seems to be a really fun chick, and you all know the Dom is a big goofball. Later they are sitting out back, just outside the rear entrance, and I had to go and tell them how much I had hoped to see something "Lost" realated on our visit and that Mina and I had just two needs on this trip. For her to ride horses and for me to have my Lost moment... I also told Dom of my love of Tolkien......then Mina came out and pulled me away, telling me to leave them alone....while Dom was chanting "go ride horses"..... WOW!!!! How fucking cool is that? What a trip so far. Current Mood: relaxed Current Music: Erasure- Rock Me Gently (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 19th, 2006
5:21 am	Tropical enchantment. . I'm sitting on the 14th floor of the ResortQuest Waikiki Beach Hotel, on Waikiki Beach in Honolulu, on the island of Oahu. Bliss. The roar of the ocean is constant. And the view from our room is breathtaking. The air is filled with so many different scents. It feels like home. My bride is dressing beside me, in her new sarong, and we are about to go drink champagne on the beach before we go to bed. I rented us a BRIGHT orange Jeep. Life is good. Current Mood: jubilant Current Music: Wolfsheim- Find You're Here (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, October 13th, 2006
3:04 pm	Today. . I forever pledge. I promise. I give myself to you. I love you. Today we are to be married. Current Mood: excited Current Music: Seabound- Watching Over You (12 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, October 6th, 2006
10:47 am	Splendiferous . Superb. Stupendous. Sublime. Succulent. Supercalafragalisticespealadocious!!!! Current Mood: content Current Music: Evoka- (some bellydance shite) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, September 29th, 2006
1:25 am	psychosomatic . and I set a place at our table for you a bloodied eye I'm torn right through to bear witness of all of these things that we do the bread is broken a lost cause soft words are spoken and I feel it slip away trite, troubled, token an essay of our lives run the line right into push those feelings away lie to me, lies to you and this is how it will stay an exploitation and this is how it will stay Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: Bella Morte- Another Way (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 16th, 2006
7:20 am	A September morning.... . Less than a month now, and I will forever be a married man. Had you told me this even a few years ago......well, I would have laughed at you. And to add to it all that I am going to be a father to a beautiful two year old lassy......that would have sent me into hiding. I have grown so much more in these last months than I have ever in my life. I am realizing things, trying to change things, and seeing many things differently. I was such a self-centered man, lost in what I thought was a true focus. Consumed with a selfish idea of how my life was to unfold. I am graced with a woman who has helped me break through that terrible shell. She helps me each and every day to become a better man. That is just but one of the many reasons why I want her by my side til my last gasp. One of the many reasons why I am so completely in love with her. I have much more growing to do, this I know. But I've never been in a better place to facilitate that growth. She is my rich soil. My clean air. My gentle rain. I have hope for life. I see the world in the eyes of my little lady Lia. Her laughter lifts my heart to heights unimaginable. And my partner, my true love, my salvation, my Mina. Our life together..... My path, my strange and ever changing path. Continues. Current Mood: grateful Current Music: Cruxshadows- Dragonfly (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 13th, 2006
1:32 pm	9 months. . She has a ring. And we are to be married. Friday, October 13th. WEE!!!! Current Mood: jubilant Current Music: brain 'splodey (30 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 10th, 2006
12:23 pm	Dan. . You know, sometimes you blink and so much has changed in life. And sometimes you close your eyes, wishing that when you open them again that it will all be so different. I am fortunate, blessed, graced with a good life. I am happy. I am content. I feel a sense of moderate accomplishment. I am in love. I am almost a father. There has been TONS going on these last few months. And TONS left as the year comes to a close. As everything is new again, as I come closer to full circle, as I grow more with each passing day. As I walk my path and strive to understand it all. As I see the flower of life bloom before me, knowing that I have a small part in nurturing that beautiful growth. As I have welcoming arms to hold me tight. To this very day I still miss you, my friend. (A few more up there with you to keep you company, eh?) 8 years......It seems like it was just yesterday..... Current Mood: sad Current Music: Book of Love- Pretty Boys and Pretty Girls (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 3rd, 2006
12:50 am	Serenity. . My life is beautiful. (Who'da thunk??) Current Mood: content Current Music: She Wants Revenge- Red Flags and Long Nights (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 2nd, 2006
1:17 am	A small consolation. (for me) . earth surrounds you the heartbeat of our world is the music that wakes you you are long gone but I miss you as the day you left my friend and then I always think of you my father as you lie there fallen but so alive give me the answers give me the meaning but never ever tell me the truth. Current Mood: blank Current Music: Switchblade Symphony- Wallflower (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 6th, 2006
8:29 am	Life. . A new job. A commute. A chance to make some SERIOUS money. A shit-ton of junk gone from the house. A feeling of accomplishment. Knowing that there is still so much to do. Knowing that it will be ok. Knowing that I have a good life. A picture perfect morning. A beautiful partner to share it all with. And a precious 2 year old that I adore. My path. Current Mood: content Current Music: No Brakes- The Bravery (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 25th, 2006
3:20 am	I fool myself. . Tonight I made one of the hardest decisions that I have yet made in my adult life. It seems as though I have not used this journal in so long.... I have not written about all of the good things. Or anything really..... I tire of this push and pull. I tire of trying. I tire. I'm so utterly frustrated. I fool myself. Again. My God-damned path. set me aflame and cast me free...... Current Mood: lost Current Music: VNV Nation- Solitude
Thursday, June 15th, 2006
5:12 am	A song heard, a lesson learned... . thin vein teasing chain held tight promise giving to wonder if it's real or another meaning tear into psyche tired of reasons given promise to listen if it's whispered tears fall to concrete and I turn again again Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: Joy Division- She's Lost Control (2 Comments |Comment on this)